Saturday, November 9, 2013

Smartphones Are Stupid

Yes, I said it. Smartphones are stupid, and they're making a new generation of technology dependents stupid too. Okay, that might be a bit harsh, but they are definitely taking away our ability to remember things, like phone numbers. (Well, that might just be a problem with me. I keep forgetting things as I get older. Like socks with my shoes. Thank God I haven't forgotten my bra yet...uh oh. Dang it. I thought the girls were a little cold today).

Sorry, back on track. Why do I say they're stupid? Well, recent autocorrect entries have forced me to draw this conclusion. I mean, trying to tell my husband "I love you too" comes out "I lice toy typo." "What do you want for dinner" becomes "What so toy wasn't door finger."

Being a writer/editor, it's a habit for me to proofread things. Of course, this causes me to twitch like a crackhead Chihuahua when I read signs that say "New Costumers Get a 10% Discunt." That sounds like a topic for another blog post. Anyhoo, thank the stars in Heaven that I do read texts before sending, because I'm the prayer chain go-to person for our church. A few years back, I was having a hard time and I wanted to ask for everyone to pray for my peace. Well, I almost hit "send" when I noticed my lovely Android had decided to inform my church congregation to "Please pray for penis for me." While I have to admit I might actually could have used that at the moment (lack thereof might have been why I was uptight and needing peace, but again, that's probably a topic for another blog post), I certainly didn't want to ask those dear white-haired ladies in the front row to pray for that for me.

Besides the spastic autocorrect feature (which of course isn't helped by the HUGE dictionaries they put in these phones. I mean, seriously, who has ever used the word "pedagogic" or "Laurentian"?), smartphones have GPS capabilities that are about equivalent to Otis, the Mayberry town drunk on The Andy Griffith Show, telling Barney how to get to Sesame Street.

I had a party to go to in a  part of town I had never been to before. Thinking, "Oh, I have a smartphone and it's supposed to be smart. I'm sure it will be able to navigate me to the correct area." Right? Oh, so wrong. Not only did it send me to the wrong neighborhood, it was wanting me to turn into a vacant lot. I heard "You have arrived at your destination," while staring at tumbleweeds blowing by like a scene from an old western. "Really, GPS? Cuz it looks to me like not only have I not arrived, but you have gotten me hopelessly lost!" Okay, so yelling at my phone was probably immature, but I was not happy. I ended up calling the hostess, who kindly guided me to her house (which was a good three miles away from the vacant field. And, yeah, before you think it, I DID check the address and had every jot and tittle correct. Wasn't my fault. So there. Nyah.).

Let's move on to the other not-so-reliable smartphone feature:  The World Wide Web. It might just be my phone/service (which are both supposed to be top-o'-the-line), but it seems like every time I try to look something up (usually while my husband is driving and I'm trying to find where they SELL that darned thing!) the internet either crashes, or brings up a bunch of terribly irrelevant things. Kind of like it has that dreaded autocorrect feature with the inane words. Could that be possible? Has some technogeek programmed these phones to spew out nonsensical locations/stores/items just to get a kick? I wonder if they track it and have a good laugh at our expense. I can picture the scenario:

"Matt! Look! This idiot woman just typed in 'tea shops'. That algorithm you programmed is giving her the locations of all the adult 'bookstores' and adult 'toy stores' in her area! Oh my gawwwwwd, you are so funny!"


Well, anyway, 'nuff of the bitching. This started from a series of texts to my husband that took forever to correct (okay, probably about 3 seconds each. Seems like forever when you only have a few minutes to text each other) and I was on a rampage. I shall strive to have something more constructive in my blog next time.

Wait...I mentioned some possible future posts above. Let's see...Misspelled signs? Sex as a tension reliever? Hmmmm...


  1. Hysterically funny...
    google+' ed and tweeted (accidently I tweeted as my cat but I guess that's oK, Artemis has lots of tweeps... )