Funnies & Punnies

A dyslexic man walks into a bra...




After his return from Rome, Will couldn't find his luggage in the airport baggage area. He went to the lost luggage office and told the woman there that his bags hadn't shown up on the carousel.

She smiled and told him not to worry because they were trained professionals and he was in good hands.

Then she asked Will, “Has your plane arrived yet?”





AT HEATHROW Airport in England, a 300-foot red carpet was stretched out to Air Force One and President Bush strode to a warm but dignified handshake from Queen Elizabeth II. They rode in a silver 1934 Bentley to the edge of central London where they boarded an open 17th century coach hitched to six magnificent white horses.


As they rode toward Buckingham Palace, each looking to their side and waving to the thousands of cheering Britons lining the streets, all was going well. This was indeed a glorious display of pageantry and dignity. Suddenly the scene was shattered when the right rear horse let rip the most horrendous, earth-shattering, eye-smarting blast of flatulence, and the coach immediately filled with noxious fumes.

Uncomfortable, but maintaining control, the two dignitaries did their best to ignore the whole incident, but then the Queen decided that was a ridiculous manner with which to handle a most embarrassing situation. She turned to Mr. Bush and explained, "Mr. President, please accept my regrets. I'm sure you understand that there are some things even a Queen cannot control."

George W., ever the Texas gentleman, replied, "Your Majesty, please don't give the matter another thought. You know, if you hadn't said something I would have assumed it was one of the horses."



I stayed up all night to figure out where the sun went. Then it dawned on me.

Women are not supposed to burp, snore, perspire or pass gas. Therefore, we MUST bitch, or else we'll blow up.




ATTORNEYS WHO WERE DROPPED ON THEIR HEADS AS BABIES:

Q:  This condition of yours, does it affect your memory?
A:  Yes.
Q:  In what way?
A:  Uh, I forget things.
Q:  Can you give us an example of things you've forgotten?
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Q:  Now, Doctor, is it true that when a person dies in their sleep, they don't find out about it until the next morning?
A:  Did you actually PASS the bar exam?
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Q:  Your youngest child, the 20-year-old, how old is he?
A:  He's 20, the same as your IQ.
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Q:  So, the date of conception of the child was August 8th?
A:  Yes.
Q:  What were you doing at that time?
A:  Uhhhh...
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Q:  Were you present when your picture was taken?
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Q:  So you have three children. How many boys?
A:  None.

Q:  Are there any girls?
A:  Your Honor, can I get another attorney?

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Q: Your first marriage...how was it terminated?
A: By death.
Q: Death? By whose death?
A: Take a guess.
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Q:  Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
A:  All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight.
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Q:  What time did you start the autopsy?
A:  8:30.
Q: And what time did you finish?
A:  10:00.
Q. Was Mr. Smith dead at the time of the autopsy?
A: Well, if he wasn't, he was by the time I finished.
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Q:  Doctor, did you check the patient's pulse before you started the autopsy?
A:  No.
Q:  Did you check for respiration?
A:  No.
Q:  Well, how could you have been sure he was dead then?
A:  His brain was in a jar, sitting on my desk.
Q:  Isn't it possible the patient could have still been alive, regardless?
A:  Well, I suppose he could have been alive and practicing law.

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