Saturday, April 20, 2013
Boys will be boys
The following came from an anonymous Mother in Austin, Texas: "Things I've learned from my boys (honest and not kidding)":
1.) A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2000 sq. ft. house 4 inches deep.
2.) If you spray hair spray on dust bunnies and run over them with roller blades, they can ignite.
3.) A 3-year old boy's voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowded restaurant.
4.) If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is not strong enough to rotate 42 pound Boy wearing Batman underwear and a Superman cape. It is strong enough, however, if tied to a paint can, to spread paint on all four walls of a 20x20 ft. room.
5.) You should not throw baseballs up when the ceiling fan is on. When using a ceiling fan as a bat, you have to throw the ball up a few times before you get a hit. A ceiling fan can hit a baseball a long way.
6.) The glass in windows (even double-pane) doesn't stop a baseball hit by a ceiling fan.
7.) When you hear the toilet flush and the words "uh oh", it's already too late
8.) Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke, and lots of it.
9.) A six-year old boy can start a fire with a flint rock even though a 36-year old man says they can only do it in the movies.
10.) Certain Lego's will pass through the digestive tract of a 4-year old boy.
11.) Play dough and microwave should not be used in the same sentence.
12.) Super glue is forever.
13.) No matter how much Jell-O you put in a swimming pool you still can't walk on water.
14.) Pool filters do not like Jell-O.
15.) VCR's do not eject "PB & J" sandwiches even though TV commercials show they do.
16.) Garbage bags do not make good parachutes.
17.) Marbles in gas tanks make lots of noise when driving.
18.) You probably DO NOT want to know what that odor is.
19.) Always look in the oven before you turn it on; plastic toys do not like ovens.
20.) The fire department in Austin, TX has a 5-minute response time.
21.) The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earthworms dizzy.
22.) It will, however, make cats dizzy.
23.) Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy.
24.) 80% of Men who read this will try mixing the Clorox and brake fluid.
Those who pass this on to almost all of their friends, with or without boys do it because:
a) For those with no children - this is totally hysterical!
b) For those who already have children past this age, this is hilarious.
c) For those who have children this age, this is not funny.
d) For those who have children nearing this age, this is a warning.
e) For those who have not yet had children, this is birth control.
So, I figured it was about time...
Like the typical ADHD dork that I am, I let my website domain expire. Duh. I was going to renew it, but then I'd have to re-upload all the pages and I really hadn't done that much with it in the first place. So, I figured I'd save myself the, what? $15 bucks or so and not renew it and just start blogging more. Or at least some. Once in awhile, anyway. EDIT: I finally did spend the $15 bucks to renew it and the site is up and running http://www.riamacalister.com
So, speaking of ADHD (or the adult version that I suffer from, ADOLAS--Adult Deficit...Oh! Look! A Squirrel!), I thought I might blog a bit about some of the morestupid interesting things I've done thanks to the lack of brain cell connection that makes organization and smart choices possible in some of us. I'll add to this as I do more stupid interesting things. This could be a very long blog.
1. While driving, I was smoking (back when I used to claim that habit) and had the car window down about 4 inches. I absently picked a piece of fuzz off my pants and used my right hand to flick it out the window (being that I live in the USA and we sit on the left side of the car, this meant I had to cross my arm across my chest to accomplish this feat of brainyism). I then decided to simultaneously roll the window up with my left hand (no clue why...seriously. I have no explanations or excuses for thestupid interesting things I do). My right hand was still sticking half-way out the window. Apparently that piece of fuzz was clinging on for dear life. When the excruciating pain from having my digits pinned between glass and metal set in, I panicked and did what any other stupid interesting person would do: I pushed the "up" arrow even harder. Surprisingly, I didn't chop off any of my appendages, but they were bruised and lined for a lonnnnnng time. And to top it off, I nearly wrecked my SUV because I couldn't turn the steering wheel with my right arm pinning my left arm down. Sigh.
2. Worked for an industrial supply company in the office. Sometimes I would help out at the customer counter or in the warehouse when the guys were really busy. For months, I was called to get a certain box off the top shelf for the guys whenever a particular customer would come in for this one part. Being that one of the guys was rather, uh, shall we say large and the other guy was kind of old, and the customer certainly wasn't going to be asked to climb a ladder to get his own part, I was happy to do this simple act for them. One day, theold more mature guy comes in and mentions this act of kindness I'd been performing. I played it down, saying it was not a problem at all for me to help them out. Rather magnanimous of me, if I did say so myself. He asks if I ever noticed that the only time I was ever asked to climb the ladder was the days I wore a mini skirt to the office. I said, perplexed, "Why, no, I hadn't thought about...gasp! YOU S.O.B.!" Which reminds me of #3.
3. First job was working for the newspaper downtown. Windy day, tall buildings. Makes for hurricane-type weather. No one was on the street that day because of this. I mean, it was really bad. Children and small Buicks were blowing by. Well, what was worse than braving the wind was trying to park downtown. I had to go to the bank, so despite the weather being so awful, I decided to walk rather than Taekwondo'ing some old grandma for a parking place. I'm nice that way. Anyway, I was wearing a long, full skirt. (I know, you can see this coming...but hang on, it's even worse than you think). I was also wearing pantyhose. Just pantyhose. I figured the "panty" part in "pantyhose" meant I didn't need undergarments, right? Never mind that they were completely sheer to the waist. Who was ever going to see them? (This is where the aforementioned "it's even worse than you think" part comes in. Ahem.) Well, you know what happens next. Skirt literally went over my head. Yeah. Think Marilyn Monroe on that sidewalk vent, but with a wind generator blowing up the hoo hoo. When I was finally able to get my skirt back down where it was supposed to be and get the hair out of my eyes, I sheepishly looked around and was relieved to see that there wasn't a soul to be seen. Thank God! Oh, but just wait. My life is never that cool that I get away without witnesses. Nope. So, lo and behold, I'm at the Marine Recruiting Center. Right smack dab in the front of it. And standing in the window with their mouths open in what could have either been horror or delight, but most assuredly was shock either way, were five, count them five, Marines with nothing better to do on a windy day with no Marine hopefuls beating down their door than to stand at the glass and people watch. Cringe. One lovely young Marine started clapping, then they all got huge grins and gave me a standing ovation. I probably should have saluted. It probably would have been good if I had shaved that day too.
4. Got ready for work, which of course included a shower, lotioning the bod, blow-drying the hair, curling it, hairspray, etc. Makeup, perfume, nice dress, pantyhose (with panties...I might be a dingbat, but I AM trainable), heels. Grab the purse, run out to the car. Down the road I notice I'm nearly out of gas. Great. I pull into the gas station, get out and start pumping gas. The stupid pump thingy (technical term...hope I don't lose anyone with the verbiage) doesn't have one of those trigger locks and I'll be DARNED if I'm going to stand there and hold it the entire time it takes to put ten dollars in. Yeah. I'm lazy. I admit it. Anyhooosen, I got my ATM card and shoved it under the trigger thingy (this word is good for a lot of applications) and nearly dislocated my shoulder, patting myself on the back for my ingenuity. I then decided to get my lipstick/hairbrush/who knows what out of my purse, so I stepped over the hose to head to the driver's door. Yep. I tripped. Did you know that when you shove an ATM card under the trigger thingy, the gas doesn't stop flowing just because it gets jerked out of the gas tank nozzle thingy? Well, aren't you just the smarty pants. I didn't know that at the time. Did you also know that when your clothes, hair and shoes get soaked in gasoline, they burn your skin? Yeah, I know that one now too.
Okay, so, I forgot about a lot of things, cuz, you know, ADOLAS and all that...but I'll come back with some more entertainment-at-my-expense as I think of things!
Over and out.
So, speaking of ADHD (or the adult version that I suffer from, ADOLAS--Adult Deficit...Oh! Look! A Squirrel!), I thought I might blog a bit about some of the more
1. While driving, I was smoking (back when I used to claim that habit) and had the car window down about 4 inches. I absently picked a piece of fuzz off my pants and used my right hand to flick it out the window (being that I live in the USA and we sit on the left side of the car, this meant I had to cross my arm across my chest to accomplish this feat of brainyism). I then decided to simultaneously roll the window up with my left hand (no clue why...seriously. I have no explanations or excuses for the
2. Worked for an industrial supply company in the office. Sometimes I would help out at the customer counter or in the warehouse when the guys were really busy. For months, I was called to get a certain box off the top shelf for the guys whenever a particular customer would come in for this one part. Being that one of the guys was rather, uh, shall we say large and the other guy was kind of old, and the customer certainly wasn't going to be asked to climb a ladder to get his own part, I was happy to do this simple act for them. One day, the
3. First job was working for the newspaper downtown. Windy day, tall buildings. Makes for hurricane-type weather. No one was on the street that day because of this. I mean, it was really bad. Children and small Buicks were blowing by. Well, what was worse than braving the wind was trying to park downtown. I had to go to the bank, so despite the weather being so awful, I decided to walk rather than Taekwondo'ing some old grandma for a parking place. I'm nice that way. Anyway, I was wearing a long, full skirt. (I know, you can see this coming...but hang on, it's even worse than you think). I was also wearing pantyhose. Just pantyhose. I figured the "panty" part in "pantyhose" meant I didn't need undergarments, right? Never mind that they were completely sheer to the waist. Who was ever going to see them? (This is where the aforementioned "it's even worse than you think" part comes in. Ahem.) Well, you know what happens next. Skirt literally went over my head. Yeah. Think Marilyn Monroe on that sidewalk vent, but with a wind generator blowing up the hoo hoo. When I was finally able to get my skirt back down where it was supposed to be and get the hair out of my eyes, I sheepishly looked around and was relieved to see that there wasn't a soul to be seen. Thank God! Oh, but just wait. My life is never that cool that I get away without witnesses. Nope. So, lo and behold, I'm at the Marine Recruiting Center. Right smack dab in the front of it. And standing in the window with their mouths open in what could have either been horror or delight, but most assuredly was shock either way, were five, count them five, Marines with nothing better to do on a windy day with no Marine hopefuls beating down their door than to stand at the glass and people watch. Cringe. One lovely young Marine started clapping, then they all got huge grins and gave me a standing ovation. I probably should have saluted. It probably would have been good if I had shaved that day too.
4. Got ready for work, which of course included a shower, lotioning the bod, blow-drying the hair, curling it, hairspray, etc. Makeup, perfume, nice dress, pantyhose (with panties...I might be a dingbat, but I AM trainable), heels. Grab the purse, run out to the car. Down the road I notice I'm nearly out of gas. Great. I pull into the gas station, get out and start pumping gas. The stupid pump thingy (technical term...hope I don't lose anyone with the verbiage) doesn't have one of those trigger locks and I'll be DARNED if I'm going to stand there and hold it the entire time it takes to put ten dollars in. Yeah. I'm lazy. I admit it. Anyhooosen, I got my ATM card and shoved it under the trigger thingy (this word is good for a lot of applications) and nearly dislocated my shoulder, patting myself on the back for my ingenuity. I then decided to get my lipstick/hairbrush/who knows what out of my purse, so I stepped over the hose to head to the driver's door. Yep. I tripped. Did you know that when you shove an ATM card under the trigger thingy, the gas doesn't stop flowing just because it gets jerked out of the gas tank nozzle thingy? Well, aren't you just the smarty pants. I didn't know that at the time. Did you also know that when your clothes, hair and shoes get soaked in gasoline, they burn your skin? Yeah, I know that one now too.
Okay, so, I forgot about a lot of things, cuz, you know, ADOLAS and all that...but I'll come back with some more entertainment-at-my-expense as I think of things!
Over and out.
Saturday, March 16, 2013
Smiling in the Cesspool
(Hubs 'n me. Yep, that's us. Happy happy. It's funny, finding "the ONE" at such a late stage in life, but thank GOD we did! I've never felt more complete before.)
Now, I don't want to go on and on about how awesome everything is, because, frankly, it isn't. Life is messy, and we're right smack dab (okay, southern gal euphemism alert here) in the middle of one of the sloppiest piles o' crap either of us has ever been in. BUT...life is still good. There are still reasons to smile. Always.
"Oh, what could possibly be so bad about your life if you two can still smile like that?" You ask, with arched brow and cynicism dripping from your consonants. *sigh* Okay, you asked for it. The short edited list:
1. Hubs reinjured his knee at work (original injury occurred during Desert Storm). He wasn't able to work and the company he was employed by (insert bad word for them here) wouldn't pay him, even though he was a salaried employee. They also told him they'd fight a worker's comp claim because he had a pre-existing injury (insert really, really, REALLY bad word for them here). So, poor guy was forced to retire. (Okay, okay, I begged him to retire, but they really were a bad-word). I only work part-time, so we are now struggling to pay bills on my pay, which is a real joke.
2. Hubs decided that he wants to open his own shop (he's a Master Mechanic), one where the owner wouldn't treat his employees like slave labor garbage. If he learned anything from his previous boss, it's how NOT to be. In order to open the new shop, we need $60,000. Now, go back to #1 and re-read how we're living on a part-time pittance. Yeah.
3. In order to possibly get the $60,000, hubs decided to sell some inherited land he has. At a HUGE discount. Land's worth about $130,000; he's willing to take $90,000. Of course, the real estate market is horrible right now, thanks to our lovely economy.
4. Next step? Let's get a loan using the land as collateral! Yeah! Great idea! What? There are liens against the property? For what?!?! His ex-wife placed two liens on the property just to be a (insert the worst word you can think of for her here). Turns out in the podunk state we live in, you can file a lien against anything/anybody you want; you don't have to have proof of any actual LEGAL claim. Oh, no. It's up to the lienee (is that even a word?) to prove that the lien is bogus. What? I thought it was "innocent until proven guilty." Wow, what was I thinking?
5. In the meantime, hubs' mom (whom I have yet to meet...he says she's the sister of Lucifer) has decided she wants to sell her portion of this inherited land. Guess what? Somehow her portion has been tied to the aforementioned liens also (remember, I said this was a podunk state). Well, Lucifer's sis had a COW...I mean, like a hairy, stinky, mooing dairy cow. She threatened the hubs with legal action, death, dismemberment, disemboweling, castration. For something he had nothing to do with. This is the woman who carried this incredible man I am so madly in love with in her body for 9 months. The woman who is supposed to care for him, love him, watch out for him. Wow.
6. Okay, so, we can't sell the land and can't get a loan on it. We're now back to square one. No money, no shop, no job. Too bad we can't live on love alone, cuz we'd be living high on the hog!
There are a lot of other stupid things going on behind the scenes, but the point of giving you the basics was to tell you that, no matter what is going on around you, there isn't any reason to not smile. Try it. Trust me.
Wednesday, July 11, 2012
OMG!!! This was an amazing discovery!
Okay, first the disclaimer(s): This has absolutely nothing to do with writing, being a writer, books, or anything else literary. It does have to do with cleaning your bathroom. WAIT! Don't run off! You'll want to read this, seriously.
I moved into a new-for-me place that has old sinks/bathtub/shower. The person who lived here before apparently didn't know how to keep things clean and there was a LOT (read: gag gag) of soap scum and hard water deposits on the fixtures. Being the lazy person I am--not to mention injuring my elbow during my move--I wasn't inclined to do a lot of scrubbing. What's a girl to do? GOOGLE!!
Well, I just so happened to stumble upon a forum (sorry, I can't even recall the name of the forum now) that had a thread discussing the cleaning of aforementioned stuff ^ One person posted they use Easy-Off Fume Free (yes, oven cleaner) on bathtubs, shower doors, chrome fixtures, etc. etc. They swore by the stuff, saying they'd never come across any material that it harmed. Being in the desperate-to-have-a-clean-house-yet-not-wanting-to-work-too-hard-for-it stage, I rushed to my nearest all-purpose discount conglomerate (yeah, Walmart) and discovered they have their own knock-off version of the Easy-Off Fume Free for half the price. Figuring that the stuff probably wasn't going to work anyway (yeah, I'm not an optimist. Get over it) and being that I'm not only lazy, but cheap too, I grabbed the Wally World brand and headed back home.
Once home, I promptly headed into the worst bathroom. Apparently the former owner had been a car mechanic, or an oil rigger, or a tar pit cleaner, because the soap scum in there was GROSS. I sprayed the Easy-Off knock-off all over the place, covering the entire tub, walls and fixtures. Then I figured I'd leave it for awhile to soak. Well, having ADD on top of all my other rotten personality quirks, I have to admit that I completely forgot about the stuff for like 8 hours. Literally. Rushing into the bathroom as soon as I remembered (like those extra 4 seconds I earned by running down the hall would somehow save the tub from having holes eaten into it after sitting under the chemicals for 8 hours) I was thankful to realize everything was still intact, and just had a powdery residue. Grabbing my sponge, I decided I had better start scrubbing.
WRONG!!! No scrubbing required! I barely had to wipe the stuff off with the sponge. In fact, most of the cleaning was done by just rinsing the stuff off! The chrome was so shiny, it looked brand new. No soap scum or hard water deposits to be found anywhere! AMAZING! My back was saved from having to lean over the tub, my poor injured elbow was saved from more pain AND I now had more time for social media time-wasting! YAY!
Try it...seriously. I'm not kidding here.
I moved into a new-for-me place that has old sinks/bathtub/shower. The person who lived here before apparently didn't know how to keep things clean and there was a LOT (read: gag gag) of soap scum and hard water deposits on the fixtures. Being the lazy person I am--not to mention injuring my elbow during my move--I wasn't inclined to do a lot of scrubbing. What's a girl to do? GOOGLE!!
Well, I just so happened to stumble upon a forum (sorry, I can't even recall the name of the forum now) that had a thread discussing the cleaning of aforementioned stuff ^ One person posted they use Easy-Off Fume Free (yes, oven cleaner) on bathtubs, shower doors, chrome fixtures, etc. etc. They swore by the stuff, saying they'd never come across any material that it harmed. Being in the desperate-to-have-a-clean-house-yet-not-wanting-to-work-too-hard-for-it stage, I rushed to my nearest all-purpose discount conglomerate (yeah, Walmart) and discovered they have their own knock-off version of the Easy-Off Fume Free for half the price. Figuring that the stuff probably wasn't going to work anyway (yeah, I'm not an optimist. Get over it) and being that I'm not only lazy, but cheap too, I grabbed the Wally World brand and headed back home.
Once home, I promptly headed into the worst bathroom. Apparently the former owner had been a car mechanic, or an oil rigger, or a tar pit cleaner, because the soap scum in there was GROSS. I sprayed the Easy-Off knock-off all over the place, covering the entire tub, walls and fixtures. Then I figured I'd leave it for awhile to soak. Well, having ADD on top of all my other rotten personality quirks, I have to admit that I completely forgot about the stuff for like 8 hours. Literally. Rushing into the bathroom as soon as I remembered (like those extra 4 seconds I earned by running down the hall would somehow save the tub from having holes eaten into it after sitting under the chemicals for 8 hours) I was thankful to realize everything was still intact, and just had a powdery residue. Grabbing my sponge, I decided I had better start scrubbing.
WRONG!!! No scrubbing required! I barely had to wipe the stuff off with the sponge. In fact, most of the cleaning was done by just rinsing the stuff off! The chrome was so shiny, it looked brand new. No soap scum or hard water deposits to be found anywhere! AMAZING! My back was saved from having to lean over the tub, my poor injured elbow was saved from more pain AND I now had more time for social media time-wasting! YAY!
Try it...seriously. I'm not kidding here.
Tuesday, April 3, 2012
NOOB 2 NOOB
Wow. Just wow. I'm overwhelmed with the amount of information that is "out there" for the indie newbie, like yours truly. The more I read about how Joe Successful, Author, got his start, the more I feel like the minnow in the pond. Or maybe the amoeba in the pond...
With every drop of information I manage to suck down, I realize just how freakin' many mistakes I've made. No, I didn't get my social media up and running months ahead of time before publication. In fact, the day I sent my book off into cyberspace for public viewing is the day I opened my Twitter, Facebook and Blogger accounts *embarrassed giggling* Honestly, I was just so amazed that I had actually finished something (ADD victim here), much less a 272 page book, that I just sort of freaked. I literally wrote the last line to the book, hit "save" and then clicked over to Amazon to see what was next. HA! What a douche.
But now, thanks to so many absolutely amazing, giving, wonderful people out there in social media land lending their expertise and yes, their newbie what-not-to-do advice, I am learning. Slowly, yes, but learning nonetheless.
Here is some sage advice I'll pass on to you, cuz now you're even more of a newbie than me nyah-nyah:
PROLOGUE (what? A prologue for a blog?? It's only cuz I'm too lazy to renumber everything after I thought of this): Plan a pre-publication budget of around $600-1000. Yeah, I know. It sucks. If you have to, start saving your pennies, quit going to Starbucks, apply for a low-interest credit card, collect cans on the side of the road. But you'll need that much for the pros you'll want to hire, and advertising.
1) MONTHS before (not the day of, derrr) your planned or assumed (hoped for even) publication date, open social media accounts. Twitter, Facebook, LinkedIn, Pinterest, Google+, Goodreads are all good places to start. (More on what to do once you're "there" down below--next post). Once you've got your foot in the door at these places, start talking about your up and coming book. Read blogs. Chat with other authors. Get feedback. Ask questions. You'll be amazed at how helpful other authors are. They realize that this isn't a competition--readers aren't going to buy just one author's books, so there isn't any need to worry about "stealing customers." Authors know that the more they scratch your back, the more you'll scratch theirs. Everyone wins here.
2) MONTHS before (see above admonition), start a website. Buy a domain name. I use GoDaddy, because, frankly, they're cheap and easy. I like cheap and easy. Makes me feel right at home. They even have a service called "Website Tonight" to help you get a site up and going if you don't speak html. You might want to invest in a website guru to help you. There are plenty around, just Google them.
3) MONTHS before (up there ^ yawn), hire an editor to edit your book. Yeah, I know you have spell check. You won the National Spelling Bee when you were just eight. You have a PhD in English Literature. Whatev. Personally, I think I am the goddess of catching mistakes (I'm a medical editor in the real world). BUT, the problem with editing your own stuff is your brain is reading what it THINKS you wrote and not what you really, truly managed to type. Trust me. Professional editors aren't cheap, but they're worth it.
4) MONTHS before (yada yada), hire a designer for your book cover. Don't think you'll get away with slapping an iStockphoto up with a funky font and call that your book cover. It won't cut it. Plan to spend $300-500 for a designer. Because I'm fairly proficient with graphics programs, I did my own. While it's not bad, it's not professionally done, either. I will most likely be having someone redo it soon.
5) MONTHS before (this is getting old, huh?) start seeking reviews. Goodreads is a good place to start. There are groups that are specifically geared toward reviewing books. You'll get a fair review, not an automatic "5-star". SIDE NOTE: If you get a bad review, don't let it get you down. Consider the comments that were made that might be helpful in creating a better future work. Unfortunately, sometimes a reviewer will give a bad review just because your book wasn't their brand of vodka (or is the expression "cup of tea"?). Take it for what it is and move on. Don't let the negative stop you from succeeding.
6) WEEKS before, look into advertising. Google AdWords is a good place to start. Also, try some of the blogs you've been reading (you HAVE been reading author blogs, right? Right? If not, see number 1 above and pay attention!). A lot of bloggers offer advertising, or have advertisers advertising (clear as mud) on their blog.You can find a lot of free advertising, but be prepared to pay if you want optimum exposure.
7) DAYS before, start announcing the date of publication. Don't overdo it though. Every few hours, tweet a blurb something like "I'm excited and scared...my book is coming out in 2 days". Or post on Facebook "I hope you all will enjoy my book when it debuts..." You get the idea. Lean toward a more personal-type post. If you start mass-posting crap like "ONLY TWO DAYS before (INSERT YOUR BOOK'S NAME IN ALL CAPS HERE) comes out! Watch for it!" blah blah I'm not going to read your post/tweet, and I'm sure others aren't either. Too many caps for one thing. It screams used car salesman (BUY BUY BUY). Keep it simple and minimal for best exposure.
8) THE DAY OF, relax a bit. Have a glass of wine, a martini, a cup of tea, a Diet Coke. You got there. You may only sell a few copies your first month, or you may be the next E.L. James. But, congratulate yourself for becoming a published author. Well done!
9) Now, quit screwing around and get back to work. You have more amazing things to write about!
With every drop of information I manage to suck down, I realize just how freakin' many mistakes I've made. No, I didn't get my social media up and running months ahead of time before publication. In fact, the day I sent my book off into cyberspace for public viewing is the day I opened my Twitter, Facebook and Blogger accounts *embarrassed giggling* Honestly, I was just so amazed that I had actually finished something (ADD victim here), much less a 272 page book, that I just sort of freaked. I literally wrote the last line to the book, hit "save" and then clicked over to Amazon to see what was next. HA! What a douche.
But now, thanks to so many absolutely amazing, giving, wonderful people out there in social media land lending their expertise and yes, their newbie what-not-to-do advice, I am learning. Slowly, yes, but learning nonetheless.
Here is some sage advice I'll pass on to you, cuz now you're even more of a newbie than me nyah-nyah:
PROLOGUE (what? A prologue for a blog?? It's only cuz I'm too lazy to renumber everything after I thought of this): Plan a pre-publication budget of around $600-1000. Yeah, I know. It sucks. If you have to, start saving your pennies, quit going to Starbucks, apply for a low-interest credit card, collect cans on the side of the road. But you'll need that much for the pros you'll want to hire, and advertising.
1) MONTHS before (not the day of, derrr) your planned or assumed (hoped for even) publication date, open social media accounts. Twitter, Facebook, LinkedIn, Pinterest, Google+, Goodreads are all good places to start. (More on what to do once you're "there" down below--next post). Once you've got your foot in the door at these places, start talking about your up and coming book. Read blogs. Chat with other authors. Get feedback. Ask questions. You'll be amazed at how helpful other authors are. They realize that this isn't a competition--readers aren't going to buy just one author's books, so there isn't any need to worry about "stealing customers." Authors know that the more they scratch your back, the more you'll scratch theirs. Everyone wins here.
2) MONTHS before (see above admonition), start a website. Buy a domain name. I use GoDaddy, because, frankly, they're cheap and easy. I like cheap and easy. Makes me feel right at home. They even have a service called "Website Tonight" to help you get a site up and going if you don't speak html. You might want to invest in a website guru to help you. There are plenty around, just Google them.
3) MONTHS before (up there ^ yawn), hire an editor to edit your book. Yeah, I know you have spell check. You won the National Spelling Bee when you were just eight. You have a PhD in English Literature. Whatev. Personally, I think I am the goddess of catching mistakes (I'm a medical editor in the real world). BUT, the problem with editing your own stuff is your brain is reading what it THINKS you wrote and not what you really, truly managed to type. Trust me. Professional editors aren't cheap, but they're worth it.
4) MONTHS before (yada yada), hire a designer for your book cover. Don't think you'll get away with slapping an iStockphoto up with a funky font and call that your book cover. It won't cut it. Plan to spend $300-500 for a designer. Because I'm fairly proficient with graphics programs, I did my own. While it's not bad, it's not professionally done, either. I will most likely be having someone redo it soon.
5) MONTHS before (this is getting old, huh?) start seeking reviews. Goodreads is a good place to start. There are groups that are specifically geared toward reviewing books. You'll get a fair review, not an automatic "5-star". SIDE NOTE: If you get a bad review, don't let it get you down. Consider the comments that were made that might be helpful in creating a better future work. Unfortunately, sometimes a reviewer will give a bad review just because your book wasn't their brand of vodka (or is the expression "cup of tea"?). Take it for what it is and move on. Don't let the negative stop you from succeeding.
6) WEEKS before, look into advertising. Google AdWords is a good place to start. Also, try some of the blogs you've been reading (you HAVE been reading author blogs, right? Right? If not, see number 1 above and pay attention!). A lot of bloggers offer advertising, or have advertisers advertising (clear as mud) on their blog.You can find a lot of free advertising, but be prepared to pay if you want optimum exposure.
7) DAYS before, start announcing the date of publication. Don't overdo it though. Every few hours, tweet a blurb something like "I'm excited and scared...my book is coming out in 2 days". Or post on Facebook "I hope you all will enjoy my book when it debuts..." You get the idea. Lean toward a more personal-type post. If you start mass-posting crap like "ONLY TWO DAYS before (INSERT YOUR BOOK'S NAME IN ALL CAPS HERE) comes out! Watch for it!" blah blah I'm not going to read your post/tweet, and I'm sure others aren't either. Too many caps for one thing. It screams used car salesman (BUY BUY BUY). Keep it simple and minimal for best exposure.
8) THE DAY OF, relax a bit. Have a glass of wine, a martini, a cup of tea, a Diet Coke. You got there. You may only sell a few copies your first month, or you may be the next E.L. James. But, congratulate yourself for becoming a published author. Well done!
9) Now, quit screwing around and get back to work. You have more amazing things to write about!
How To Get Started With Social Media
Okay, you read the other blog that said MONTHS BEFORE you publish your book you need to get your foot in the door of social media. Right? You read that, didn't you? If not, it's up there ^ one post above. Read it. Obey me.
Alrighty then (no, that's not a word. I'm using creative license here. Give me a break, all you OCD freaks). I would suggest starting with Twitter. It's free and easy to open an account. Once you're up and going, do a search (you'll see the "search box" easily enough) for whatever genre you write in. For me, I searched "romance authors". That should give you a jumping off point. Scroll through the list and look for non-people types, those that seem to be more like a company. Or, you can cheat and go to my list of author-helpers here. There are quite a few people in that list who live just to help us lowly authors. They're awesome, amazing Tweeps (Twitter speak for Twitter people). Just click on a name and then click on "follow." Do that for as many people as you want and you will soon get "follow-backs." It's a very quick way to get friends on Twitter.
Now, once you're established on Twitter (give it a few days), move on to Facebook. Search for your Twitter friends on Facebook and send friend requests out. Do searches for authors like you did on Twitter. Look at other peoples' friends lists. Send out friend requests to them. Facebook is slower to get established with, but it will come. Once you have a hundred or so friends, make an author page on Facebook. (If you don't know how to do this, go through Facebook's "help" section and search "Create a Page".) Once you have an author page, invite your Facebook friends to "like" it, and announce it on Twitter.
Goodreads. Easiest one ever. Just add friends via your Twitter and Facebook accounts! Once there, join groups. It's easy to do and there are plenty available so you're sure to find one in your genre.
Then there's Pinterest. I have a personal Pinterest account, but I haven't actually started one for my business (author) side *embarrassed coughing*. Be right back. SWOOSH (sound effect of a superhero cape). Same theories apply. Open the account, start pinning (posting) stuff. Mention your book. Don't overdo it.
There are many other social media sites (LinkedIn, Google+, StumbleUpon, etc.) but once you're established with those I mentioned, getting going with the others is a piece of cake--preferably devils food with homemade fudge frosting. And a big cup of extra-dark Rwandan coffee. Ummm, yeah, baby.
Alrighty then (no, that's not a word. I'm using creative license here. Give me a break, all you OCD freaks). I would suggest starting with Twitter. It's free and easy to open an account. Once you're up and going, do a search (you'll see the "search box" easily enough) for whatever genre you write in. For me, I searched "romance authors". That should give you a jumping off point. Scroll through the list and look for non-people types, those that seem to be more like a company. Or, you can cheat and go to my list of author-helpers here. There are quite a few people in that list who live just to help us lowly authors. They're awesome, amazing Tweeps (Twitter speak for Twitter people). Just click on a name and then click on "follow." Do that for as many people as you want and you will soon get "follow-backs." It's a very quick way to get friends on Twitter.
Now, once you're established on Twitter (give it a few days), move on to Facebook. Search for your Twitter friends on Facebook and send friend requests out. Do searches for authors like you did on Twitter. Look at other peoples' friends lists. Send out friend requests to them. Facebook is slower to get established with, but it will come. Once you have a hundred or so friends, make an author page on Facebook. (If you don't know how to do this, go through Facebook's "help" section and search "Create a Page".) Once you have an author page, invite your Facebook friends to "like" it, and announce it on Twitter.
Goodreads. Easiest one ever. Just add friends via your Twitter and Facebook accounts! Once there, join groups. It's easy to do and there are plenty available so you're sure to find one in your genre.
Then there's Pinterest. I have a personal Pinterest account, but I haven't actually started one for my business (author) side *embarrassed coughing*. Be right back. SWOOSH (sound effect of a superhero cape). Same theories apply. Open the account, start pinning (posting) stuff. Mention your book. Don't overdo it.
There are many other social media sites (LinkedIn, Google+, StumbleUpon, etc.) but once you're established with those I mentioned, getting going with the others is a piece of cake--preferably devils food with homemade fudge frosting. And a big cup of extra-dark Rwandan coffee. Ummm, yeah, baby.
Monday, March 26, 2012
Ugh...Why Is It So Hard To FOCUS??
I stumble into the kitchen and grab the obligatory cup of coffee, that hot dark substance that keeps me from being in a coma 19 hours of the day. Thank God for automatic coffee makers with timers.
It's my day off. From the day job, that is. I intend to do some serious writing today. If I write, I might sell, and if I sell enough, then maybe I can tell the day job adios. Sounds like a great plan. If only...
Oh, look! There have been 1,286 new tweets since I left the computer humming by itself last night. That's going to take awhile to go through, and of course, I MUST go through every last one of them. Not to mention all the news tweets that post as I'm going through the old ones.
And I have new Facebook friend requests...can't leave those sitting. Oh, funny youtube videos! Have to watch those. Hmm, a new recipe pinned on Pinterest. Oh, wait, it's a whole new recipe blog...this is going to take some time to go through and pin the good stuff.
So many friends post links that beg to be opened. Blogs to be read. Rabbits to chase after.
Finally, I am ready to just write. Focus, focus, focus. My new mantra. I glance at the clock and realize I have a whopping half hour before the kids get home and the chaos starts. No writing will be done then. SIGH.
Social media, you're killing my writing mojo.
It's my day off. From the day job, that is. I intend to do some serious writing today. If I write, I might sell, and if I sell enough, then maybe I can tell the day job adios. Sounds like a great plan. If only...
Oh, look! There have been 1,286 new tweets since I left the computer humming by itself last night. That's going to take awhile to go through, and of course, I MUST go through every last one of them. Not to mention all the news tweets that post as I'm going through the old ones.
And I have new Facebook friend requests...can't leave those sitting. Oh, funny youtube videos! Have to watch those. Hmm, a new recipe pinned on Pinterest. Oh, wait, it's a whole new recipe blog...this is going to take some time to go through and pin the good stuff.
So many friends post links that beg to be opened. Blogs to be read. Rabbits to chase after.
Finally, I am ready to just write. Focus, focus, focus. My new mantra. I glance at the clock and realize I have a whopping half hour before the kids get home and the chaos starts. No writing will be done then. SIGH.
Social media, you're killing my writing mojo.
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